Christmas holidays.

Okay so I was really excited to have so much time off this holiday season (with the unexpected snowdays and only 3 exams I have 4 weeks off) I was prepared to get ahead for next semester. I was going to finish essays that are due soon after the return to school, read the novels that I was assigned... I have had 2 weeks off so far and has any of that happened? No. I have however gone out multiple nights, done a lot of pre-Christmas shopping, gone skating a few times, watched at least 4 Disney movies and a few episodes of ER, not to mention spending hours upon hours at my beloved Yogashack.

New Years resolution: STOP PROCRASTINATING! (notice how I could easily start that now, but I decided to put it off a few days? I'm off to a great start...)

Okay, I'm going to finish reading Emma (which isn't like school work because I love Jane Austen) before Christmas. Wish me luck internet!

College is cool, but knowledge is not?

Knowledge is supposedly valued in our society. We need knowledge to get places in life. So why is it that so many young people seem to literally repel knowledge? It's like people, especially girls, are embarrassed to know things. I have this one friend and she pretends to be dumb. She was lazy in highschool and didn't get good grades. It seems she is taking her lack of high marks and turning herself into a joke. Let me show you an example, one day she made her facebook status something, I can't remember what it was now, but it was extremely grammatically incorrect. Someone commented saying she had made a mistake and she said well what do you expect? I almost failed basic English. Now personally, that is not something I would brag about. She is intelligent, but chooses to hide that from people. Maybe it's to seem more attractive to guys? But seriously, if the guy wants a dumb girl with no brain power what so ever, he's not worth it.

In highschool especially it seemed like people were scared to be in the middle range. It was okay to be in AP classes with very high marks, you were admired in a way, or the opposite end of the spectrum, if you were failing almost everything you were a joke. But you were in on the joke so it's okay. If you were in the middle you just floated through, pretty much invisible. This really bothers me. Not everyone is a genious, but everyone has the potential to be smart.

As a second year university student I value knowledge. I try to learn as much as I can in my classes. I am proud of what I know and if someones asks me a question I try to answer to the best of my ability. Do people think that not knowing things makes them more attractive? Because FYI world, it doesn't. Not being able to hold a conversation is not appealing. Sure, not everyone is the next Einstein or Socrates. But everyone has thoughts and opinions and they should not be afraid to share them.

I don't want to place myself above the previously mentioned stereotype, but I truly value knowledge and education. If I know something I'm not going to be embarrassed about it. I am going to speak up and let the world know that I work hard and I have something to show for it.

My blissful night

A couple of nights ago my friends and I went out to a club for a couple drinks. I drive so all I was drinking was water, but I prefer being sober when I go out so everything was good. They ended up having more then a couple of drinks and soon we were all dancing like fools. By the time 2am rolled around I was exhausted; the bar was closing and my friends were starting to really feel the drinks. I grabbed my coat, said my goodbyes and made my way to my car. As I was walking it started snowing; not a harsh cold snow, but a light gentle snow that was absolutely beautiful. I had parked a few streets away from the bar so I had a about a ten minute walk ahead of me, but with the snow and lack of wind I didn't mind one bit. I passed Victoria Park, which is the park in the middle of downtown. It was my first time seeing it this holiday season and the lights on all the trees was breath taking. It looked like a scene from a movie.

I was in such a euphoric mood that instead of heading straight to my car and going home I decided to walk through the park for a bit (I was alone and it was 2am, so in retrospect it might not have been the safest of ideas, but that's okay). I couldn't help but smile as I walked. It was such a peaceful moment, it just felt right; like everything in life was going to work out fine. I realized that I might have looked a little crazy, walking alone at night with a huge smile on my face, but that just made me laugh, which deffinitely reinforced the crazy aspect...

I can't remember a time I felt so completely and truly content. All my worries from the day floated away, as cheesy as that sounds they really did, it was a magical walk. However, after about 15 minutes the cold started to catch up with my and I decided I should be heading home.

I wanted to share this night with the world. I wanted friends and family and strangers to experience this with me. But I know that it wouldn't have been the same with others there. So my hope for them, since they couldn't be there with me on that night, is that they have a moment like that of their own. A moment when they are at perfect bliss with their lives. I think everyone needs that.

Good luck in finding your own 'blissful night'. I hope it happens soon, I really do.

Being Young

I recently turned 19, which in Ontario is the legal drinking age. Going out to the bars with friends, having a few too many drinks and dancing the night away has quickly become a favourite way to relieve the stress associated with school.

However, before I turned 19 my nights consisted of a much more relaxed environment. Instead of the latest pop tunes blaring through me in a noisy club with sweaty people pressed against eachother I spent my nights at small bars with good friends and great live shows. We would talk about philosophy, politics, ethics and life; what we want to do, who we want to be. It was great. It made me feel truly alive. Alcohol wasn't necessary to have a good time (however even at the clubs I tend to frquent now I still don't find it necessary to have a good time), everyone just enjoyed eachother's company and valued their opinion.

I guess I'm just writing this because I miss those nights, and those friends. Things change and friends leave and life doesn't stop for anyone (yes that is a quote from The Perks of being a wallflower, but I feel like it applies here). I hope to reconnect with those friends soon and go back to the dirty hole in the wall bars we use to hang out in.

Those nights were honestly some of the best nights of my life and I will always remember them. So thank you to my friends who made them so worthwhile, the musicians who wrote the soundtrack to the nights and provided us with great entertainment and the bar owners for offering a real place to spend quality time with amazing people (and for not caring that I was underage). I hope you guys enjoyed them as much as I did.

Love, an old friend.

Why are we scared?

When people talk about things that scare or intimidate them they generally speak of something traumatizing; something that could do physical or psychological harm. So why is it that when I am asked what I find intimidating it is something as simple as a blank page? A blank page holds all the possibilities of failure, humiliation, disappointment and rejection as asking the girl or boy of your dreams out on a date (note: this girl or boy is a couple of years older, captain of a sports team and the hottest thing around). However, it also has the potential for success, recognition, and pride. The blank page has the ability to draw out our deepest most tangled and intricate thoughts. We can express ourselves, explore ourselves. Why do we let our fear or failure hold us back from possibly discovering our full potential? Maybe it’s not fear we’re scared of. Maybe we’re scared of discovering we don’t have a deeper self. Our most intricate and complex thoughts are nothing out of the ordinary. What if we were to just sit in front of a blank page, open our veins and see what happens? I don’t think we could ever impress ourselves with these thoughts. Maybe everyone’s are complex and deep, and the only impressive part is if you can articulate them.

I love you forever, I'll love you for always; as long as I'm living, my bestfriend you will be.

You spent so much time pushing me away. You never trusted me. Never thought I was good enough. I was the enemy, I couldn’t be trusted. As hard as I tried to understand you, to help you, to be close to you, you tried harder to stay reclusive. I was insulted. I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong. Or why you just didn’t like me.
Then something happened. I don’t even know what it was. But you changed. Or I changed, into something, someone you decided you could trust. You let me in. it changed everything. Suddenly we were inseparable. Or, as inseparable as two people who live 900 kilometres away from each other can be. We spoke every day. We made each other happy. We were the best of friends anyone could ask for. I loved fighting with you more than having fun with anyone else.
Over time, I realized why you tried so hard to push me away. I always thought you were hiding. Protecting yourself from getting close to others. But as it turns out, it was me you were protecting. You weren’t scared of getting close; you were scared of hurting me. You had a plan for your life. A plan that, no matter what happened, because too much had already happened, could never change. Too many things had made a lasting impact on you, changed you in so many ways that this was all you wanted. You didn’t think I would or could understand. So you tried to protect me from your secrets.
I’m glad you decided I was okay to trust. Because even though I was only a part of your life, after all it was only two years we knew each other, you made more of an impact than anyone ever could. More than anyone could even come close to. I hope you felt the same way about me. I know I couldn’t change you, I would never even try, you were too good the way you were, but I hope I helped take some of the pain away. Even if it only went away for a little while.
It has been seven months since I have heard your voice. Seen your face. Felt your warm touch on my permanently cold skin. I miss you. More than you could ever imagine someone could miss you. You taught me everything I know about life and love and friendship and driving in Montreal.
Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for everything. For coming into my life and leaving the deepest and most incredible footprint imaginable.

Time

I don’t have a typewriter, so this is the best I can do. I got your letter, it came three days late. By the time I read your words you were too far away for me to respond. I understand why you did it. Honestly. While everyone was expressing their shock and disbelief I just hoped you were happy. In the end. There was too much unhappiness throughout. There was no real trauma. No real reason why you should be this way. Other than the fact that you simply were. If I think about it too long I shake. You would think this would wear off. Time doesn’t fix things. People who say it does, are not acquainted with her mocking laugh and pitiful glare. “This writer guy, he says that it’s easy. You just sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. But what if you’re running out of veins?” (I Wrote This For You.) What if a laptop is as close as you can get to a typewriter? What if the veins you do have left are collapsing at an alarming rate, and are covered in cuts, cuts that make a trail to my way of escaping Time and her careless ways. One second you think she is your friend. She lures you into her spell. She distracts you with new people, new songs, new shoes. She fills your life with excitement and when she decides you’ve had too much takes something more precious than the future. She steals your memories, leaving only the faintest trace of them. Something to make sure you know you’re missing the best parts. You can tell when she is coming. If you start to focus too much on the future, on what you’re doing tomorrow, or who you could meet Friday night, you know she is coming. She is preparing to steal from you. While you are busy planning your future Time is taking inventory of your favourite memories. While you are getting so caught up with your future you don’t even realize your past slowly slipping away. Then, one day something will happen. It will seem so familiar. It could happen while driving down the road. A song will come on the radio. You’ll remember the tune, but the words just aren’t there. It will spark something. Deep in the back of your mind. Pieces of your memories will come back to you. But the faces, the sound of the voices, and feel of their touch, will be a blur. Nothing will seem real. It is as if you are remembering a story someone told you, a story they only heard about second hand. You will try, try as hard as you can. But it won’t make any difference. You will only feel a sense of longing. A feeling of despair and loneliness. It is only then, that you will realize you have forgotten. There are ways to trick the allusive Time. When you feel yourself focusing too much on the future, when you are feeling too hopeful, and too eager, that is when you know. You must ignore the optimistic feelings. Think back to your happiest memories of the past, the most painful ones to recall now. Latch on to every available memory you have. Get lost in them. Glory in them. Remember a time when you were happy. Why you were happy. And what has changed to steal your happiness. If you are trying enough Time will move on. She knows a lost cause when she sees one. She will leave you alone in your memories. You will feel the hope you had for the future slip away while you lose yourself in the past. You will feel her leaving you, and as she separates herself from you and moves farther and farther away you will be able to hear her laugh. It is a high pitched, desperate sounding laugh. Only then, when your chest feels hollow and your breath comes in shallow, quick gasps, will you be able to tell that her laugh, the laugh you find so hurtful and mocking, is not a laugh at all. She is weeping. Weeping for your loss of a future. And for her failure. For all Time was trying to do was help you. Help you move on and learn to be happy again.
Oct.-13-10